The Princess and the Pretender
by thepaledragon
Summary: A prank war lands Hermione and Draco in joint detention where he accidentally uncovers her biggest secret: she's the heir to the French throne. By securing a position into the French royal court, Draco can amass a title and fame while delaying his arranged marriage to Pansy. Will he be successful or will he unknowingly hand over his heart to the unattainable Hermione Granger? (AU!)
1. Chapter 1: The Slip-Up

A/N: Hello lovelies! I am just testing out the waters with this little story. I haven't planned out exactly how long the story will be so any feedback would be greatly appreciated! As it stands, it will probably be fairly short: maybe six or seven chapters total. I would so appreciate any reviews you could leave as it really helps me with the rest of the story!

This is a fairly goofy story, just something that got stuck in my head and won't leave me alone. It's not super logical and is most certainly AU. In this story, Voldemort was defeated for good when Harry destroyed Tom Riddle's diary in their second year. Draco was never a Death Eater and the entire Wizarding World has chosen to move on, thinking about Voldemort as little as possible. Draco's dad still harbors blood purity beliefs and Draco echoes those beliefs, but not nearly on the same level as his father. He hasn't called anyone a Mudblood since the Chamber of Secrets incident in their second year. They are now in their 7th Year and their biggest problems center around their last year at Hogwarts and making plans for entering the "real world" after graduation. The story of Hermione's childhood/how she's royal/how being a witch fits into that/how and why she's hidden it from Harry and Ron will all be addressed later on in the story itself.

Thanks so much xx - TPD

* * *

 **Chapter 1: The Slip-Up**

"Seriously, Draco, you're not the King and I'm not your damn servant. Get your own Bezoar," Hermione growled, glaring at the blond beside her.

Over the past week, Hermione and Draco has stumbled into an unofficial prank war. Draco had snuck an errant lacewing fly to her Draught of the Living Death potion when she wasn't looking, causing the foul-smelling potion to explode, covering her unruly curls in grey gunk. Seething, drenched, and losing her top class standing for the day, Hermione vowed then and there to get revenge in the most devious and public way she could manage.

Her first opportunity came a few days later, when she overheard a couple of Hufflepuff girls gushing over how unbelievably hot it was when Draco's platinum hair fell into his eyes when he took notes. Personally, she'd always thought his hair closely resembled corn husks, stringy and decidedly un-sexy, but if the female population adored his blond locks, it seemed a fitting place to begin. A little wandwork and a short time later, Hermione retired to her common room, an easy smile creeping up her cheeks. Malfoy sure was in for a surprise in the morning. For the first time in a long time, she went to bed early, eager to be up early so not to miss even a minute of Malfoy's panic.

As she passed the Slytherin dungeons the next morning on her way to the Great Hall, she heard a high-pitched screech followed by the sound of glass shattering. Giggling into her sleeve, Hermione made her way over to the Gryffindor table, greeting Harry and Ron, and choosing a seat opposite them with a clear view of the entire Slytherin table. Not even five minutes later, a red-faced Malfoy burst into the Great Hall, flanked by the bodyguards he calls friends.

"Who did this?!", he bellowed, glaring at anyone who passed.

The whole hall grew silent, only to break out in rambunctious laughter at the sight of the Slytherin now sporting a bright green corn husk where his hair usually lay. Malfoy's beet-red face grew even redder as his hands tugged at the cornhusk firmly planted on his head.

"Show yourself you coward! No one messes with me and gets away with it!" he screeched again, his booming voice rising above the laughter.

As Draco surveyed the room, his fiery eyes met Hermione's, widening for a split second as he registered the barely hidden triumph in her brown orbs. His face broke into a sneer before whipping around and exiting the Great Hall, his black cloak billowing out behind him.

It took Madam Pomfrey half the day to return Malfoy's hair back to normal and in those long hours, he had ample time to plot his revenge against the Gryffindor Princess. Two days later, Hermione found herself sporting a bright pink beard as unruly as her curls and with the added ability to render her mute in her classes for the rest of the day.

A dragon tail and a see-through uniform later, Draco and Hermione found themselves here, in detention, slowly and painstakingly restocking Snape's excess potions cabinet. They had called a very precarious truce in order to get through their detention unscathed, but Draco was still getting on her nerves every five seconds by asking her to fetch him ingredients like a good little errand girl.

"Trust me, Frizz Ball, if the Wizarding World had a monarchy, the Malfoys would be on a throne somewhere. You're just jealous that the closest you'll ever get to royalty, is that deep purple color of your backpack", Draco sneered.

Hermione bit her lip, trying and failing to stifle her giggles.

"Something funny, Buckteeth?" Draco growled.

"Not at all, Ferret Face", she replied snickered, "Just imagining someone trying to stuff a crown on your over-sized head."

Draco glanced at the girl next to him, observing the very slight but certainly mischievous glint in her eye and the faintest hint of a smirk pulling at the corner of her mouth. He pursed his lips, eyebrows furrowing in thought.

* * *

Two days later, Draco arrived in Snape's classroom for their detention, immediately seeking out her telltale bushy head. Glancing at the light on in his godfather's obviously occupied office, Draco grabbed Hermione's arm, yanking her into the ingredient supply closet.

"What the fuck, Malfoy?!" she shouted, "You can't just manhandle me like that, you giant git!" She ripped her arm out of his grip, crossing them over her chest instead.

"My, my", Draco chucked, "Such language. Did they teach you that in finishing school, Princess?" he sneered, watching her closely.

If he hadn't been specifically looking for it, he might have missed Hermione's slight flinch at the pet name.

"Ha! I knew it!" Draco shouted gleefully, wagging his finger in her face. "I knew you were hiding something after our last little talk, Granger. Apparently the Malfoy private investigator will even venture out into the Muggle world if you throw enough Galleons his way. So imagine my surprise when it comes back that little Miss Gryffindor Princess is just that, an actual Princess. How exactly _are_ your parents explaining your extended absence to your people?" he smirked.

Hermione lifted one small hand up to her mouth, covering it in shock, before letting her expression give way to hatred. She took a large step forward, shoving her finger into Malfoy's chest and poking him with her nail, hard.

"What do you want you miserable little ferret?" she ground out, her eyes shooting daggers at his infuriating face.

Letting out a bark of a laugh, Draco rubbed his palms together gleefully. "Now, now Granger," he drawled, "or should I say Your Highness, who says I want something?"

Hermione sighed, removing her finger from his chest and covering her face. "Please Malfoy, no one can know, so just tell me what you want to keep quiet about this so we can go back to never speaking to each other again."

Draco grinned predatorily, provoking a small growl from Hermione's lips. "I want in", he said simply.

"In on what, you big oaf", she replied warily, rubbing her temple with one hand.

"On the power," he replied, fixing her with a you-big-idiot look. "You're set to be the Queen of France one your parents step down and you marry, right? Well, you're going to create some fake cover for me, a tragically handsome, long-lost lord from a neighboring country or something, and then you'll marry me. I'll be a King and in a few years we can divorce, leaving me with a title, face, and an introduction to the Royal Court. I'll be free to live as royally as I see fit," he replied easily.

Hermione was dumbstruck for just a quick moment before she burst out laughing. She brought her gaze back up to his irritated face before bursting into a whole knew round of hearty laughs, bending over at the waist and clutching the newly-formed stitch in her side.

Straightening up to her full height, she managed to force a reply out between residual giggles. "Oh god, Malfoy, are you serious? First of all, that's absolutely insane for so many reasons; there's no way. Second, I'm already betrothed you idiot. And third, as if there's any way I'd marry you!"

At his exasperated expression, Hermione burst out in laughter again, wiping tears for her eye and holding her belly.

Draco stood up straighter, shifting his weight onto his right foot. "Yeah right, Granger, like you're engaged already. Weasel-bee would be stomping around glowering at the whole castle if he knew he never stood a chance with you."

A pretty blush stained Hermione's cheeks and she suddenly wouldn't look him in the eye, instead choosing to glare at the wall directly next to his ear.

Draco cocked his head quizzically. "Either you're not promised to be married or the Weasel doesn't know. which one is it, Princess?"

"Stop calling me that," she hissed venomously. "He doesn't know. No one does. Besides we're betrothed, not officially engaged yet. He's not supposed to propose until our annual beach vacation this summer. I'm free to see who I like, discretely of course, until then," she replied, shifting her weight from foot to foot.

Draco grinned evilly. "This is even better than I could have hoped! Here's the plan then. You'll go ahead and invent a cover store and a title for me and date me publicly until this summer. That way I don't actually have to marry you, yuck, but I still get the title, the fame, and can find an actually suitable royal wife at court after our "tragic" breakup," he replied.

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Again, Malfoy, as if."

He took one step closer, clucking at her under his tongue.

"Now, now Granger. You wouldn't want your precious friends to find out that the person they trust with their deepest, darkest secrets has been keeping the biggest part of her life from them, would you? They'd never look at you the same way again. And imagine poor Weasley's face when he realizes not only does he not know you at all, but but you're already betrothed to another, selfishly encouraging his little crush even if you knew it could go no where," Draco drawled, placing his hand on the wall next to her head, effectively trapping her in place with his much larger body.

Once again, Hermione paled. "You wouldn't," she spat, turning her hateful gaze to him and thrusting out her chin.

He chuckled. "Oh of course I would, Princess. This is too great an opportunity to pass up. You can have until sunrise tomorrow to think it over."

And with that, he strode out of the dim supply closet, leaving a distraught Hermione alone with her flurry of panicked thoughts. He didn't even glance up from chopping his ingredients until he heard the telltale sound of the classroom door slamming, signaling Hermione's exit for the night.

* * *

The next morning, Draco was busy carefully styling his hair into his signature tousled look when the tapping of an owl broke his concentration. He strode over to the window, pushing the glass aside and noted the pale pink of the sunrise beginning to stain the clouds overhead. "Right on time Granger," he mumbled to himself, pulling the short missive free from the owl's leg. Lazily offering the owl a treat, Draco unfurled the piece of paper, glancing over the words as a triumphant smirk carved into his cheek.

 _You win, Ferret. But we play by **my** rules._

 _-H_

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A/N: Thanks for reading! Pls R+R!


	2. Chapter 2: Lessons Upon Lessons

A/N: Hello again! Thank you so much for reviewing EpicEmma58 and guests! I've updating the first chapter to include more of a backstory on the AU this story is based on as requested. I'll repost that section here:

"In this story, Voldemort was defeated for good when Harry destroyed Tom Riddle's diary in their second year. Draco was never a Death Eater and the entire Wizarding World has chosen to move on, thinking about Voldemort as little as possible. Draco's dad still harbors blood purity beliefs and Draco echoes those beliefs, but not nearly on the same level as his father. He hasn't called anyone a Mudblood since the Chamber of Secrets incident in their second year. They are now in their 7th Year and their biggest problems center around their last year at Hogwarts and making plans for entering the "real world" after graduation. The story of Hermione's childhood/how she's royal/how being a witch fits into that/how and why she's hidden it from Harry and Ron will all be addressed later on in the story itself."

This story is meant to be fun and a bit fluffy so it will not be super logical but I will do my best to make the throne succession aspect of the story as accurate as possible to "real life". Hope you enjoy!

xx -TPD

 **Chapter 2: Lessons Upon Lessons**

Hermione sat at the Gryffindor table across from Harry, twirling her spoon and sighing into her porridge. Her best friend put down the Daily Prophet, resting his cheek on his palm as he observed her. She sighed again, carving paths with her spoon through her cold breakfast. Just as she moved to sigh yet again, a warm hand shot out to still her wrist.

"I love you like a sister, Hermione, but one more sigh and I'm gonna lose it. Will you just tell me what's wrong?" Harry asked, concern and annoyance flashing in his green eyes.

Hermione averted her gaze guiltily. "Sorry, Harry. I didn't even notice I was doing anything. Malfoy's pissing me off again. What else is new," she laughed bitterly.

"I am fully aware at how infuriating that pompous prat is, but this seems like something more. What did he do this time?" he replied, rubbing her hand gently.

"Oh it's nothing. I guess just spending the extra time with him during our detention is getting to me. Thank you though, Harry. You're the best." She shot him a quick smile, patting his hand back. "I better go get ready for class. I'll see you at lunch, yeah?"

Catching his affirmative nod and answering with a smile, she stood to pack away her things.

Glaring at the Slytherin table, she made eye contact with said pompous prat for a split second before glancing towards the door and back into his stormy grey eyes. She didn't wait to see if he got the message.

* * *

Draco casually stood a minute later, tossing his bag over his shoulder. "Well gents, I've got some business to attend to. You can manage to get by without me for an hour, right?" he teased. Blaise's answering blow hit him square in the shoulder.

"Don't hurt yourself tripping over that giant ego, mate!" Theo's reply followed him out the doors as Draco responded with a two-fingered solute. He was still chuckling when he turned the corner, stopping short to avoid running smack into Hermione.

He could feel his good mood disappearing as he met her enraged amber eyes.

Draco quirked one pale blond eyebrow at the witch, daring her to make a scene. "Well, Princess, what did you want to talk to me about so urgently?" he asked.

Not getting an immediate response, he continued, a smirk contorting his features. "Can't wait to fake date me? I know I'm charming, rich, and ruggedly handsome but you have to try to resist falling in love with me during this little excursion. It really wouldn't bode well for you."

At that, Hermione brought her palm up to his cheek, cracking it along his jaw and turning his head from the sheer force. She looked mildly taken aback as Draco rubbed his jaw, glaring at her. "What the bloody hell was that for, Frizz Face?" he yelled.

He barely heard her mumble out a quick apology before he began berating him. "Look I was serious this morning; if we're doing this it's by my rules. No wise cracks, no insults, and absolutely no refusals. You will do as I ask when I ask it and you will do it without complaining. Is that clear?"

Cocking his head, he observed her determined stance and defiant gaze. "Fine, Granger," he replied. "Tell me what I need to do so we can get this over with."

She stepped back, crossing her arms over her chest again. "Are you sure you want to do this? It means politics, French lessons, etiquette lessons, history lessons, _Muggle_ lessons. It means living in the Muggle world for months without magic, surrounded by paparazzi, being on your best behavior all the time, and listening to me whenever I tell you to do something. Is a meager _Muggle_ title really worth all of that?" she enquired, her sharp gaze locked on his.

"Don't forget the gorgeous, royal French wife, Granger. Even if she is a Muggle, and I'm banking on finding another witch in hiding, if she's royal, I can get out of marrying Parkinson for at least a few years. Trust me that's worth it. Besides, I've always heard the French are wild in bed. I've had almost every other nationality on this continent. I'd be remiss if I didn't add the French to my collection," he replied with a lecherous grin.

Her petite face screwed up in a grimace. "Ugh, you're disgusting."

She shifted her weight again, rubbing her temples with one hand. "Fine. I'll work on your cover story as you so unoriginally put it but you need to start on lessons. Remember, politics, French, etiquette, history, and Muggle lessons. It'll take a big chunk of your free time."

He held up one pale hand, interrupting her mini speech, "I don't need French or etiquette lessons, Granger. Pureblood, remember? Already had them," he drawled.

Hermione glared up at him, yet again. "You will take as many lessons as I see fit, Malfoy. No refusals, remember? Give me just one way to weasel out of this stupid plan and I swear to Merlin I'll take it," she bit out.

Draco stepped back, hands out in surrender. "As you wish, Princess", he mockingly replied.

Biting her tongue to prevent yet another growl from escaping, Hermione sighed. "I'll set you up with a tutor for politics, French, etiquette, and history. A Muggle tutor. I'll owl you the address and times you will meet him. If you are late once or if you fuck up and use magic even once, I'll know and our little deal will be over. Understand?"

Draco nodded, an amused smirk settling on his features. "I didn't realize you were this feisty, Granger."

She narrowed her eyes, poking him in the chest with her index finger. "Don't test me, Ferret," she replied, "I'll also set up a Muggle studies tutor. He'll be a wizard obviously so you can use magic in front of him, but I'll be taking you on a Muggle field trip once a week to see how you're getting it. Again, I'll owl you the details."

Hermione stepped back, undoing with the latch on her bag with deft fingers. Draco crossed his arms yet again, and raised one pale brow at her as she pulled out a seemingly very large book. "What in the hell is that, Granger?" he inquired.

Rolling her eyes, she held the book out for him to take. "It's a book, Malfoy. You're going to need to read this and understand it before meeting up with your history tutor. I don't need you giving away the entire Wizarding World because you're a moron who knows absolutely nothing about Muggle history," she said, glancing up at him.

He extended an arm to take the book from her, sniffing at her remark. "Believe it or not, Granger, I'm not a total idiot. We had to learn a little Muggle history when I was younger to better understand the Wizarding timeline."

At that, she quirked her own amber eyebrow in surprise. "Huh".

Draco cocked his head, chuckling low in his throat. "Can't believe I know something the Know-It-All swot doesn't."

Hermione screwed up her nose in annoyance. With nimble fingers, she pulled another smaller book out of her back, chucking it as his pointy face and laughing outright as it made contact with his pointy jaw. "All French history," she laughed, answering the unspoken question in his fierce glare. "Read this one too before you meet your tutor."

He opened his mouth, no doubt to throw some creative insult at her, but she raised a hand, cutting him off.

"And please, Malfoy, mess up just once in front of any Muggles. I dare you," Hermione drawled, sending him a defiant smile. With that, she turned to leave, heels echoing on the stone floor.

* * *

A/N: Thank you for sticking with me through another chapter! Please R+R. It really helps me move everything along and make the story better for you all! - TPD


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